Not the Walking Away Type
by SophieSaulie
Summary: Dean and Sam face what they said under the Siren's spell. Dean makes another admission and Sam wonders what's happening to him.


**Not the Walking away Type**

Sam was scared. Stone cold scared and that was saying a lot. He and Dean would often tell people they weren't scared of much and that was true. What truly scared them both was losing each other. When Sam was a kid, it felt like he was scared all of the time. Even with all the training, Sam had never really felt secure, but Dean would always comfort, made him feel safe. He didn't think he could say the same thing. Not that Dean made that easy, but it didn't excuse Sam from failing at it. Dean had always found a way to get to Sam no matter how hard Sam had made it for him.

It seemed like all Sam was doing these days was keeping things from Dean then the Siren's song revealed everything, not surprisingly, Dean had already known about him sneaking off with Ruby. Sam was afraid he had lost his brother's trust for good. In the clarity after the spell had left him, Sam knew that he had no one to blame, but himself. What scared him had been the malice in his words, in his voice, when he had told Dean that he was holding him back, that he was a better hunter than him, and the harshest and most frightening words were that Dean wouldn't stand in his way anymore. Sam felt like someone else had said those words, but he couldn't deny that it had been him. All Dean had said was that he was worried that he was losing the Sam he knew to lies and secrets. Dean hadn't taken any cheap shots and he could have so easily. He hadn't broken him down like Sam had Dean. Sam felt ashamed and scared.

He had started using his powers again and saving people using them felt so the right thing to do. Everyone he had used them on had survived. Ruby was self-satisfied with his work, her training of him. He wasn't stupid. He knew what Ruby was getting out of it, one step closer to beating Lillith and though in that one way, they were on the same page, accusing Dean of being too weak to go after her had been wrong. Sam knew that Dean was strong. He had survived Hell yet all Sam could do was mock Dean's guilt over torturing those souls. Why did he say those things? Did he really think that? He didn't feel that now. All he felt was fear.

Sam heard Dean emerge from the bathroom and turned to give him a shaky smile. His whole being was telling him that he had to find a way to make what he said right, but his mind went blank. It was then that Dean took the first step.

"Look, Sam, I know we did our usual brush under the rug routine, but I can't do that anymore. I promised I wasn't going to lie to you and I know that if I expect you to be straight with me, I have to hold my end of the bargain."

Sam looked at Dean's expression and it was lined with uncertainty, but there was no fear there. Though Dean had every right to be scared of him and Sam knew that somewhere deep down Dean was scared, Sam also knew that Dean would never let Sam see that. Ever the protective brother, Dean would reveal a lot of things, but fear for Sam would never be one of them. Dean was reaching out and Sam had to try to reach back.

"Dean, I'm sorry. What I said…I can't believe I said those things…I…I can't say I didn't mean them because hell, Dean, I'm not sure. I'm being honest with you here. I'm scared. I'm really scared…"

Dean saw the very real fear on Sam's face. Sam might be falling under some kind of influence, maybe Ruby's, maybe someone else's, but he also knew that Sam was truly scared and he saw the Sam he knew in that fear.

"I know you are, Sammy and I promise we'll figure it out," Dean said slowly then paused. "But you weren't all together wrong."

Sam looked at his brother confused.

"Maybe I **have** been avoiding going after Lillith."

"Dean –"

"Hear me out. I'm not saying that we shouldn't go after her. I know we have to…" Dean paused to take in a breath.

"Dean, what is it?" Sam asked, feeling scared more for Dean than for himself now.

"She was there," Dean said quickly.

"What? Where…" Sam started then realization hit.

Sam's eyes widened.

"With Alistair. She was there," Dean elaborated. "It's why she fell off the grid for awhile."

Dean swallowed hard and sat on his bed. Sam could only look at his brother with empathy and it felt good to feel that as opposed to the disdain he had felt under the Siren's spell. It reassured him that no matter how he had felt then, it wasn't everything he felt.

"Dean, I'm –"

"Don't, Sammy. I'm not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me. That's not the point. I'm telling you this because you need to know. Maybe it's my fault you feel you have to sneak out and hunt with Ruby."

"I'm not hunting with Ruby," Sam insisted softly.

"Be honest, Sam, if not with me, than with yourself," Dean said.

Sam nodded his head.

"I don't know what I can say to make you see how dangerous what you're doing is, but you need to know that I'm here for you. You're a big boy, Sammy. I know I haven't exactly…" Dean trailed off. "What I won't do is be like Dad. I won't order you to stop, but I won't lie either. I do want you to stop and I hate that you feel you have to lie and keep secrets from me."

"Dean –"

"Just promise me something."

"What?"

"That you won't go it alone. Promise me you won't keep that from me," Dean said. "Do that one thing for me."

Sam looked again into the earnest eyes of his big brother and found himself feeling so angry at what he had said and done to Dean. Dean could only hope his latest admission would bring them closer, not further apart. He had no way of truly knowing for sure. Still, he trusted what his gut was telling him, that Sam wasn't gone from him completely and he had to keep on trying to reach out to his brother as much as he could. Even if that meant telling him things he'd rather not Sam hear.

"No matter what happens, Sammy, I'm not walking away from this or you. I know that I've got a boatload of baggage to get through, but we'll work this out."

"I know that, Dean and I promise I won't go after Lillith without telling you," Sam said.

Dean nodded his head then got up from his bed, feeling the need to escape from the chick flick moment for a minute.

"I need some java. You?"

"Yeh, yeh, I could use one too."

Dean left the room and that let Sam think for a moment. He was still scared. He felt Dean trying to bridge the gap between them, appreciated that he didn't want to use brute force to do it like their father had always done, but still, he kept hearing a voice inside him telling him that he didn't need Dean, that he was better than his brother, that Dean was holding back his potential, that Dean would pull rank eventually, and it was getting harder and harder to drown it out, to make himself deaf to it. He wondered if he was going insane then fear chilled his blood and he felt himself shiver. There was insanity, but there was also transformation. Sam was finding himself unwillingly being spilt in two and grasping onto the Sam that Dean believed in was getting harder and harder. He then began to question himself. What had happened to the Sam who would rather have had Dean kill him than become a monster? Was Ruby helping the transformation along for more than just destroying Lillith? Yet he trusted her, she had helped him live on without Dean…but why didn't he feel that same trust towards Dean? The brother who had gone to Hell for him, who had never let him down all their lives, even when it would have been easy to have just washed his hands of him.

Sam knew that Dean would never walk away. He just wasn't the walking away type. He had had all kinds of opportunities to do it, but never took them. Sam had remembered even thinking that Dean must have been crazy to have stayed with their dad after Sam had left for Stanford, but he also had remembered that Dean had let him go without a single word of guilt to make him stay. He had remembered making Dean leave him when he had stubbornly questioned Dean's loyalty to their father, determined to find him on his own, but again, Dean had called to give Sam permission to live his life, for the second time, even telling him that he had been proud of him. When Sam had questioned himself after Dean had revealed their father's secret to him, he had left him yet again, more angry at their father than at Dean, but instead of waiting for Sam to come to his senses, Dean had gone after him to find him, getting Gordon's wrath for his trouble.

Each and every time, Sam had been the one to leave and he was still doing it every night he had left to meet Ruby. Sam was scared because for every time that he had left him, he hadn't felt guilty for leaving Dean alone and wondering. He hadn't even given a second thought that Dean would figure it out. Did he think that little of him? Didn't Dean finding out and not saying a word until it was pulled out of him by the Siren's song say something about Dean as a hunter and brother? Sam didn't have the answers and they should have been there, clear as day.

Sam was scared, no, terrified and suddenly, he felt the old him feeling glad that Dean wasn't the walking away type. Still, that dark, ominous voice taunted that Dean could be taken away and another shiver him.


End file.
